It is apparent that the separate self sense is a low
energy condition and sex sometimes raises our energy enough so that the
veil of separation falls. Then it is like looking at the world, or ones
lover with the eyes of a child. This is beautifully portrayed by Jody
Foster in the movie Contact...during her wormhole trip when she
intimately felt-senses the beauty of the universe, and during her time
on the Pensacola beach that the aliens constructed for her. She truly
felt for the first time since her parents died, the infinite love of
the Universe and the fact that she was not alone. She kept saying..."I
never knew...I never knew." Stepping into cosmic levels of
consciousness is very much like that... the intense love, awe and
gratitude, coupled with the sense that "I never knew it could be like
There is tendency to go unconscious and into the body and pleasure
during sex, this is why Tantra is so useful as a gate to remain in
higher states. If you can remain conscious during sex, then this helps
us to maintain wakefulness/mindfulness generally in ones life.
In the book "The Jewel in the Lotus: The Tantric Path to Higher Consciousness"
by Sunyata Saraswati and Bodhi Avinasha, they say that Tantric Kriya
Yoga greatly accelerates spiritual alchemy such that it is possible to
experience illumination in one tantric ritual. "If you and your
partner make love twice a day, doing the Cosmic Cobra Breath, you can
have the experience of Ultimate Universal Unity in a week." 29. At this website you can find out more about Tantric Kriya Yoga. This might be the best resource for learning the technique of entering joint Nirvikalpa Samadhi.
Nirvikalpa Samadhi is the state of oneness with Atman (the
Self or soul) and is traditionally achieved through the advanced and
prolonged practice. The concept of arising at nirvikalpa through
physical sexual union with another human being is very interesting.
Once we have learnt to cope with kundalini on the survival level, we
then need to cultivate it and use it in the higher sphere of life to
prevent the energy turning on us in self-implosive decay. Although I
have not experienced joint Samadhi through tantra, I would like to
mention it as an example of the higher dimensions in which kundalini
may be followed and cultivated. The last third of "Kundalini, Energy of the Depths," by Lilian Silburn, gives an account of a tantric practice drawn from Kashmir Shaivism scriptures.
"The sexual practice mentioned here is not a lewd
activity, a craving for enjoyment; it does not aim at pleasure or
procreation, but appears as a yoga, a discipline, a sacred act having
for its goal the realization of the essence of the Self, the
identification with Siva; as such it is essentially ascribable to
heroic behavior." ~ Silburn
The term sacrifice is used a lot in this book and this refers
to the loss of fear, or the complete surrender to love, such that the
Heart supercedes all else. Apparently for two people to enter turyatita
(beyond all states) there must be a sacrifice of ego such that there is
no fear, doubt or wavering; and the two are able to completely identify
with the energy of the other, thereby producing boldness and power. In
other words there must be no holding back, holding back being
antithetical to the sacrifice.
Sacrifice, as we normally understand it, is not the best word to use
here. More precisely in this context sacrifice means the evolutionary
force of the universe that transcends and includes, i.e.: Spiritual
Eros. So in sacrifice we have "gone beyond" the preceding condition of
being--we have "let go." Sacrifice means you no longer identify
"merely" with the ego-complex which contains the
somatic-mental-emotional defenses and attachments.
Then through such sacrifice there is satisfaction leading to
the cessation of desire. But we do not transcend desire through
negation or denial of desire; we transcend desire through the most
spiritualized satiety of that desire. By elevating desire to an
artform. The satisfaction being essentially the blooming out of
consciousness leading to the mutual satiation of the other chakras so
that there is a mutual ignition of the heart charkas of the
individuals. So now we are talking about two hearts entrained as one.
The inertia generated by hunger of the senses and the inability to
transcend one's self-system means that this atomic transducer of
unified hearts is not constructed, then it's just normal sex of two
separate individuals getting it off.
So it's by satisfaction or the satiation of the physical senses and
the consequent cessation of desire through which this miracle of
soul-union can happen. Obviously there needs to be a lot of courage to
engage in such practice, along with unwavering fortitude,
implacability, faith beyond doubt and undividedness. The couple must
have transcended the normal courting, winning over, fear and material
bargaining that normally constitute relationship. We are talking about
something very rare indeed.
I know I said we engage in such practice to "enter" turyatita, and
that one cannot really "enter" the condition beyond all states. Rather
I mean that "everything else drops away" leaving the underlying
absolute unity of it all. This is why perhaps the term sacrifice is so
appropriate. In order to achieve turyatita the two have to go beyond
their own minds in a trans-egoic and not a pre-egoic fashion. So we are
talking about one of those transrational things that can't really be
explained with words.
We can assume that there is an inborn intuition toward this supreme
union if the love is great enough and the couple is competent in
navigating their spiritual bodies. Ultimately the "third thing" takes
the couple over. The third thing being the supra-consciousness that
resides in the two hearts made one. So there is the need to accept
oneself as completely unknown and willing to be in-formed via this new
force. Hence "sacrifice."
Generally nirvikalpa is achieved when awareness is withdrawn step by
step from physical body, astral body, causal body until self
realization or oneness with God is achieved. I would rather see this as
a journey the Witness takes from the physical body, to the astral body,
and the causal body to the discovery of one's Self as Source. In
Silburn's book she points to the activated chakras being directed
toward the heart chakra. I see it more of an allowing of the Heart to
predominate and entrain the rest of us in its amplified/spiritual
field. So in a sense it is when attention is drawn from parts,
activities and phenomena and there is a singular merging of the hearts.
I think that one would have to be already acclimatized to kundalini
and ready to work with it, this means that ego must be already somewhat
compliant and obviously positive. Thing is when you are talking about
Grace things don't have to be perfectly aligned, the alignment descends
from on high, but we have to be able to let the lesser attributes and
states drop away.
Perhaps the ultimate in rationality is the willingness to suspend
rationality, or to go-beyond it that is. Through this union we are
using the bodymind to transcend the bodymind. Kundalini, being the
speed of spirit, makes it feel like we are growing at great speed as a
couple, but if the two are not similarly activated the relationship
will dissolve under the differential speeds. The individual that is not
in an awakening will strongly seek to revert to their habitual speed.
While the more activated partner will long for someone similarly lit
and open. Thus to prevent disaster we have to find a partner that is
not too low down the scale nor too high up the scale, but capable of
matching our own expansiveness.
One could look at higher consciousness as being the stabilization of love and care. Success
in relationship is the stabilization of love. Unless we come from such
a stabilized family chances are we will have to learn how to love. I
think the instincts of how to love are always there, but there is also
an equal resistance in protecting coping patterns. So love in all forms
is a sacrifice of this secondary layer of protection.
Inspired action, the spiritual drive of Eros is our own deepest
Self, source and condition. The unquestioned response to Spiritual Eros
is freedom, whether it be to produce a child, paint a painting, write a
sonata, create an institute or fast. In order for reception and
abeyance of Eros however, the inner man must be alive and not subdued
by decades of unprocessed pain. What we normally assume as freedom,
"the ability to choose," is not freedom at all. Freedom is the choiceless response to Eros whereby all our holons sing in unison.
The texts say that those who engage in the joint nirvikalpa practice
will experience hell unless they have a teacher (someone who has been
there before), have a pure heart and are heroic. Perhaps work on the
shadow in relationship requires these three allies also. Hell could be seen as the inability to live one's authentic Self.
The individuals have to stand on their own two feet spiritually
speaking. Sovereignty is the ticket to nirvikalpa, for one has to be
sovereign in order to sacrifice. Sovereignty could indeed BE sacrifice:
an ongoing daily stripping away of the lesser self. So in this sense
sovereignty is synonymous with bravery. This is perhaps why the
individuation journey is called the Hero's journey. Love is not for the
faint of heart! Sovereignty is none other than the realization of the
Self or Soul. Why should this take heroism? Because it requires
"transcendence," it requires faith and the ability to trust in the
unknown and the unseen.
Because it's the most differentiated (has the greatest depth and the
least span) the spiritual level is the hardest for a couple to meet in.
The ability to relate on the spiritual level is part faith, part grace,
part piety and part courage. The homing beacon for truth has to be stronger than the one for security.
Or rather security is sort in spirit not mind or matter. Consider the
ego also automatically resists and opposes, so if one's partner is
going in one direction, we may react and go in the opposite. Spiritual
relationship transcends confusion, resistance, contrariness, defense,
denial, and the 7 deadlies. One would assume that in order to enter
joint nirvikalpa both individuals would have to have dealt with the
challenges of the various charkas: 1. Fear, 2. Guilt, 3. Shame, 4.
Grief, 5. Lies, 6. Illusion, 7. Attachment. Thus we can see why joint
nirvikalpa is such a rare event.
Accepting that we all have dark sides is a major spiritual
milestone. Perhaps idolatry stops the moment we marry our shadow, and
hence forgive the world. When this projection ceases perhaps we can
truly love as an adult instead of a child. Once we collectively get
over the cup being half full, and over original sin, and grok that
nothing is broken, perhaps then we will give up the doubt, greed, lust
and fear that dissipate our energy and prevent Samadhi.
If spiritual realization is "the stabilization of love and care,"
such that there is more energy and consciousness contained in the
bodymind. Such complexity I would hope is intrinsically stronger,
differentiated and more capable of maintaining its syntropic power
without falling apart. Evolution itself is I think this ability to
stabilize and build greater energy and consciousness that is "heroic"
or impervious to the forces of entropy and decay.
My feeling is that we have a natural intuition for this but that it
is most often blocked by attachment to sense gratification, fear,
doubt, worry, self-ishness, thus the energy cannot build. That is why
it's called a sacrifice because all this lesser personality stuff must
be let go. The main thing with maintaining or abiding in the alchemy is
to remain without "doubt." That is undivided in one's
projection/appreciation of the other as Divine, thereby maintaining
one's own divine "I".
Since we are talking about being Spirit illuminated, we cannot
revert to our mortal mind without losing the connection. In the Sex
with Eros experience I was The Divine, the energy was such that I was
Divine without doubt, there was no me there other than this divinity.
So the joint nirvikalpa experience would be similar although perhaps
harder to remain in state, because of the usual self-conscious and
archetypical mechanics that arise within relationship. But if the
couple can realize that there is no separation between each other then
this lesser psychological stuff is let go. Once doubt enters the
picture energy is divided and is not available for lasering in the
syncotron of being.
It's probably a very high art not to get dragged down into sense
gratification and remain in the Witness during this tantric act.
Considering all that the ego normally has invested in sex. And this is
why the joint nirvikalpa is such an expedient spiritual practice;
simply because it is the final challenge and breakthrough of the
attachment to our ego-personality and its objects of desire and
aversion. With this fusion of souls the normal self-centeredness is
penetrated and the underlying unity of all things is grokked.
As I said before relationship boils down to personal
response-ability. Unmet needs turn to thanatos...what is not
proactively made manifest in Eros gets twisted and degenerates into a
sick version on the original healthy impulse. Men only become
pathological in their sexuality and resort to abusing children because
their bodyminds have not been developed psycho-socio-sexually. And
women only become pathological in their need for "security" and
infringe on the rights of others, when they have not developed their
own agency and sovereignty.
There is a point where there is a
choice to be unconscious or conscious. To be lost in the bodies
responses or to be fully illuminated and autonomous as spirit. If we
choose unconsciousness it leaves us feeling both inadequate, a failure
and guilty. The beauty of tantric therapy however is in making a
sincere choice toward remaining "aware," which may have to be agreed on
by both parties prior to the act of sex itself.
I want to point out that you don't need to actually engage in
physical sex or relationship for supra-sex to occur. Alchemy between
the sexes is one of the most effective and expedient ways of reaching
higher states, because the chemistry runs of its own accord beyond any
mental cognitive interference. Also such alchemy between the sexes is
transtemporal and trans-spacial--meaning that the chemistry can unfold
even if the couple are separated by half a globe. Plus both individuals
do not need to be affected by the alchemy equally. Because it operates
at the level of subatomics, well beyond personality and individual
egos, one of the party can have a full-on awakening from supra-sexual
alchemy while the other might be totally unaffected.
So we can have a kundalini awakening through transpersonal
enlightened-contact, but when it comes to personal relationship one
needs to actually BE in relationship in order to develop in that
medium, otherwise it is all theory and mentation. You will probably
find that if a relationship is based on healing and processing it just
becomes a chore, however, at the same time a transformative
relationship will allow the psychological mirroring for mental-social
development and it will heal. Romantic relationship is the fastest way
to grow because everything comes up, especially during the pressure
cooker of active kundalini. Perhaps as a single person we are not even
a whole person, and we only find our wholeness in relationship--since
we really are a human "being."
The universe, and our Being are made Whole through the Heart. Though
there are entropic relationships that make us less than we are, through
not living up to heart and Soul...relationship between man and women
has the potential to be the ground of health and the basis to the
evolution of consciousness. This is so because the alchemy that can be
produced as a couple is far greater and deeper than what can be
achieved as single individuals...if the relationship is synergistic
rather than cacophonous that is. The consciousness that can be achieved
as a couple is far greater and deeper than that of single individuals.
That is cosmic genius comes in pairs of opposite poles. And one can
look at the fundamental design of the universe to figure out why that
This alchemy between the sexes is not mere projection, because the
body-soul is intrinsically one with the union-link, even when the
conscious mind is unawares. Thus there can be coordinated time and
place arranged for the alchemical work by the Universe itself without
conscious egoic intent. This syzergy can be known to us precognitively
however through reverberations in the sense of our own time-line. We
could say that Limbic Attractors operate at the subatomic, quantum and
telepathic level revealing the Unified Field that we all exist in--a
Unified Field that is indeed US. When we are talking of the Unified
Field which is prior to matter itself, the couple do not vibe in sync
with the entire Kosmos, they in fact vibe AS the entire Kosmos. ie:
For a tantric relationship with high level kama sutra both
individuals need to be both engaged and distanced—through heightened
alertness and calm focus, which encourages a state of
“allowing-readiness-receptivity,” by reaching a state of emptiness, of
immersion in the moment. It helps to have gone through radical
kundalini awakening in order to pass beyond the mythic and personal
interpretations, and all the gender programs and ego-needs. What the
couple is reaching for, or bringing into manifestation doesn't have a
lot to do with the world as is, and kosmic-sex is a dissolution
of who we have known ourselves to be which few can tolerate. As I say I
have had solo kosmic level sex in the Sex with Eros event, which is an
innerconjunction up the spine along with mega-amplified sexual
sensations and full body orgasm. I have no idea what a joint
catastrophic conjunction event between a couple would be like. I am
curious about this since when one goes through the extreme events by
oneself, there is paralysis and trance for the 1/2 hour or so that the
event is taking place. Also such ultra tantra would need to occur in
"free persons timetable"...ie: not having to rush off to obligations
etc...to break up the chemistry and recovery period for the support and
reformation of the cells that needs to occur, Plus the couple would
need to be regenerated in nature, plus supported by superfoods, and
there would need to be some serious green-food and water intake after a
cosmic joint even to help recover the neurology. Thus when reaching for
the Gods, you have to be fully supported by Gaia.
I think that we as a species underplay and "make petty" the game of
sexual relationship, whereas it's really an awesome cosmic dance and
the basis of conscious evolution itself. Just because there is a
chemical and energetic component to "romantic love" doesn't mean to say
that it is ONLY narcotic delusion. Just because people tend to spin
stories around romantic love, doesn't mean to say that it is only a
myth. Just because commerce uses sex for sales, doesn't mean that
romantic love is some cheap sales scam. The Neuromantic Movement aims
to remove the stale and dried up cynicism of the modern age, and return
the Heart to its true abode, in the Inner Heaven. Perhaps we have not
yet seen what it is to be human, and in love. True Love is something
that must be fought for with every breath one breathes. It must be the
ground of faith, and not be tainted with self-pity, doubt, regret,
insincerity, and self-contraction. One could say that the measure of
ones capacity for romantic love, is the same as ones capacity for God.
Courtly love came into being when people started to understand the
enormous power of romantic love to quicken and evolve our biology and
character. There is no greater force of evolution on earth than the
alchemy between the sexes. We should not be getting "down" on romantic
love, but looking into this awesome power that lies at the heart of it
and us. Not so we can harness this power for profit and gain, or so we
can dismiss it as only this or only that. But so we can LIVE IT and so
become more ourSelves.
To reveal and sustain the potential for growth in relationships a
guided group program of some kind for couples doing this very deep work
would be good, incorporating the kundalini and tantric skills, voice
dialogue, gestalt, holotropic breathing and David Deida's relationship
I must recommend the book Love, The Inner Connection by Carol
Anthony as a true postconventional approach to relationship based on
the I Ching. The best material on taking love and sex into the
spiritual realm (especially for women) I have found is Diana Richardson's books "The Heart of Tantric Sex," and "Tantric Orgasm for Women."
TANTRIC UNION AND THE SUBBOUNDARIED
Those who were not given adequate boundary development in childhood or
had their boundaries dissolved by physical, emotional or sexual abuse
may need to develop adequate boundaries first before the union of join
Samadhi is possible. For the subboundaried individual is more likely to
enter into “fusion” rather than “union.” Then in response to this
“loss” of self-boundaries rather than the “expansion” of
self-boundaries the individual(s) will flip into withdrawal-rejection
immediately after the massive endorphin flush of the joint-samadhi has
We must also be aware that if we have had inadequate social wiring of
the primary matrix in 0-3 years, we will feel this internal
disconnection as rejection by our love object. Perhaps you cannot get
ultimately-close to someone who has suffered incest or abandonment
because the final crossing (structures for communion) is either "not
there" or is "totally barred off." A similar condition probably exists
with PTSD as well. Yet our healing calls us like a Great Attractor
right to that edge to experience that gulf and that wall. The division
between separate-selves is that same force that drives us into wanting
to experience union...therefore Desire steams from separation coupled
with the intuition for unity. No wonder the truly realized Gurus are no
longer interested in sex for they are already in union.
"She" could not meet you in samadhi because her strength comes from her
separation from people...she learnt people can't be trusted, they are
fundamentally abusers...so she had to act with contempt at that point
to reinstate her boundaries. She might give voice to that with "Union
is weak, it means that I am not really here, and I have to be here in
order to protect myself, in order to be here."
“Boundaries are better formed within a mature loving partnership or
friendship(s). The boundaries formed by means of mistrust and
contempt are fatally flawed as far as creating any kind of workable
real happiness and fulfillment. Boundaries created by means of
loving partnership can be the healthy workable flexible kind. To seek
or crave and temporarily find "Ultimate Union" before stabilizing
(really living) a personal love relationship is not really
workable. The crash is inevitable. It is indeed the great
attractor, and is the source of the Sacred within a personal love
relationship.” Michael Duois
Those who have experienced sexual abuse may actually need to
cultivate a tantric sex practice, to prevent part of them remaining
suspended at the developmental level at which they where abused. I know
it sounds funny—cultivating a tantric practice and "trying" to remain
awake during sex, but there is no better way to get at the parts of our
body, mind and soul that were cut off and numbed out by the abuse. By
becoming conscious of the “point where we flip into unconsciousness”
during sex, we learn to witness the energy shift it takes to coach
oneself to be present. This loosens the neurological armoring around
the original trauma allowing sexuality to be reintegrated into adult
maturity, and in this way allowing adult relationship to occur. PTSD
and tantric sex...could be a whole new avenue of human investigation.
Elevating sex from the shadow realm of a clandestine poke in the dark
to a sacred act, or the sacred in action, means that we can heal
deepest parts of ourselves and awaken to levels that we may never have
Healing the numbness of the abandoned/betrayed child requires
actually touching the pain that brought on that numbness and then
filling that void with life, blood, love and spirit that we never
The Ecstatic Wave is the flow between dissolution and structure.